A Wasted Life (chapter 2)

 My poor husband had to endure hearing me vent when I got home.

"PE is nothing to mess around with! Jonah might have known the warning signs if he had paid attention!"

My sweet husband paused the video game he was playing with our son and looked up. I could tell he was already lost. 

"I'm a teacher." he reminded me. "I have a feeling PE means something different to me, than it does to you."

"PE, pulmonary embolism." I knew that information didn't help. Sometimes I wish I had someone in my family who spoke my language! But I suppose that would be boring. 

'It's basically a blood clot that moves from the leg to the lungs. It can be deadly." I answered in words he could understand. "Evidently, he has been ignoring symptoms for several weeks: -a swollen, sore leg, followed by a lingering cough and shortness of breath. Who ignores shortness of breath!?"

"I hear ya, but to be fair, he did eventually go to the hospital, and he is going to be okay, right?" 

"No! I mean, yes, he went, but he WOULD have died if it hadn't been for a customer of his. Jonah had just arrived at the scene of an accident. The ambulance was getting ready to leave. When Jonah stepped out of his truck he stumbled and fell on the ground. Someone waved for the EMT's to come over. If they hadn't been right there, it could have been a lot worse."

Later that evening, after the kids were in bed, my husband spoke up. "I think I know what is really bothering you." He always seemed to know, even when I didn't. I had been venting all evening, but now I just sat, ready to listen.

"I don't think it is Jonah you are worried about. I think it is you!"

"What!?" I asked "If Jonah had made better life decisions..." I stopped myself. It was time to listen.

"I think you are wondering if YOU made the right life decisions."

"I love being a nurse. We both agreed that it would make more sense for me to work and you to stay home with the kids." But even as I heard myself speak those words, I realized that he was right. Caleb was wonderful at homeschooling the kids. I got depressed when I was home all day. Also, nursing made more money than teaching. But deep inside I wondered if this was the best way to do life.

Why had I made the decisions I had? How far back should I go?

"Most of your life decisions you have made to please someone else." my husband explained. 

I was the oldest child in my family. I wanted so much to please my parents and grandparents. I wanted to do things right! So, when Grandma said I would make a good nurse, and Grandpa said he would help pay for it, I joined medical school. Did I even pray to see if that was what GOD wanted me to do with my life? I had prayed! Right?!

"I wonder what my life might have been like if I didn't worry so much about what people thought and did what I truly believe God wanted me to do."

"It might not have been that different." Caleb suggested. 

"I know one thing I would have changed if I could." I teased. "We would have had more kids!"

Caleb laughed. "Yes! And we would have gotten married earlier!"

"Definitely!" I laughed, remembering how miserable we had been the last half of our engagement year.

Caleb was wonderful. He always knew what to say. 

He held me close and soon fell asleep. 

I couldn't sleep though. The cool darkness slowed my thoughts so I could sort them out. Why was anger the emotion I felt when I heard that Jonah was at the hospital? Wouldn't concern, sympathy, or even fear, make more sense? What was wrong with me? 

What if it wasn't Jonah I was angry at? 

Maybe I was angry at myself because I, the nurse, should have been able to prevent this. I should have noticed he was favoring one leg. I should have thought about the risk of blood clots and warned him about sitting too much. I should have kept him from becoming a tow truck driver. It is a very dangerous profession!

What was I thinking? 

Did I really think I had the power to prevent the blood clot? And, even if I did, would I have really kept him from following his passion?

How silly of me!

"I'm sorry for getting mad." I whispered into the darkness, to no one in particular.

I fell asleep imagining what my life might have looked like if I followed my passion. What was my passion. Did I have one?