A Wasted Life (Intro and Chapter 1)

 

Introduction

This story began two and a half decades ago when I was in college. It appeared on the page late one night at my writing partner’s house. We munched on popcorn as we typed away. She wrote poetry, and I wrote stories! We both loved this story, but somehow it never got finished. I felt like I didn’t have enough life experiences to write it.

My friend seemed so much older: married with children! She must have been in her thirties! Haha! Those were the days.

Now, here I sit, after midnight, in another time and space. I don’t know why I decided to try this story at this time. The floppy disk I saved it on might still be around here somewhere, but it would be an antique for my laptop. I don’t need it anyway, the story lives inside of me. It has been here all this time, and it has changed, as I have. Hopefully, for the better. Though part of me wonders if it will be as interesting as my naïve, young adult self, wrote it a long time ago.

One thing I changed, just this week, is the main character. I think that has been my problem all along. I had the wrong person as the main character.

 

 

Chapter One

He Never Did Listen to Me

 

“You could have been a doctor! You could have saved people’s lives! You could have saved YOUR life!” I said to the form on the hospital bed.

I stood in the doorway, too afraid of my own emotions to get any closer. There he was, just as I had expected to find him. Broken and frail, yet still smiling – no LAUGHING at me. That silly grin and twinkle in his eyes. I could see it all from here. How could I love and hate someone all at once? My youngest brother.

I had been twelve when he was born, almost a teenager. He was MY baby. No, not like THAT. I mean, I was his favorite! I could get him to burp when no one else could. Later, it was my bed he crawled into. I even taught him to read. We were playing in the tree fort. I wrote him a little story using his name and a few short, easy words.

“God loves Jonah.

Jonah loves God.”

I had him practice until he had it … well, memorized probably. Mom was so pleased she said I could do his reading with him from then on. We read in the fort, in the hammock, in the boat, and snuggled on the couch.

That was when I was seventeen, and Jonah was five. That was before I became an adult. -before I turned selfish.

I don’t think he ever accepted the fact that I was an adult. Which is strange because I highly doubt he remembers when I wasn’t an adult.

Poor kid had abandonment issues because his SISTER moved away and left him behind. With his own, biological parents!

Grandpa and Grandma tried hard to be supportive of my parents’ choice to have five kids AND homeschool, but I think they worried we wouldn’t get a real education. They started a fund when each of us were born to use for college. I used mine to go through nursing school. All our siblings went to college and got good jobs.

And then there was Jonah. Our local college has a program where high schoolers can take college classes: but Jonah just wasn’t feeling it. When he was eighteen, he still wasn’t ready for college. An uncle invited him to help him build tiny houses.

 He was so excited the day he left. His Toyota pickup piled up with all his belongings. I was pregnant and had a toddler on my hip. He had laughed at me that day too. That teasing little brother laugh.

“Be careful!” I told him. “Make sure you use safety gear! Don’t cut any fingers off!”

“Why not?” he laughed “You don’t work at the ER anymore anyway. Don’t worry!”

“It’s okay for him to take a year off before college.” My Mom assured me. “Each person has a different path. We can’t really force anyone to be something they are not. The Bible says, ‘Raise up a child in the way he should go’ only God knows the path that is best for Jonah. I don’t want to be the one to stand in the way of God’s perfect plan for Jonah’s life.”

I knew she was right then, but now I wasn’t sure. Now that he lay in that hospital bed broken and hurting.

“You promised me you wouldn’t get hurt!” I pouted, as if a person can keep such a promise.

He mumbled something, but I couldn’t hear him, so I shuffled closer to the bed.

“That was when I left to build tiny houses, not as a tow truck driver!” he defended himself.

I scowled “You didn’t have to be a tow truck driver. You could have used the money for any career! I always thought you would have been an excellent doctor. If you had received ANY medical training at all, you would have known not to ignore a warm, swollen leg. You could have died from that blood clot!"

I was still angry.

"You chose this path!"

A hot tear rolled down my cheek.

“Yep” he said softly, “I chose this path, and, if I had the opportunity to choose again, I would still choose THIS.”

I stood in the quiet. My mind numb. Wishing I could wake up and all of this would be a dream. Wishing I could turn back time and… and what? What would I change? Did I really think that I would have done a better job of managing Jonah’s life than he had? Was I really that controlling?

Suddenly, I knew nothing.

A nurse came in and I wandered out the door and down the hall. It was so strange being the one leaving the patient’s room. -the one asking the questions instead of giving the answers.

Question like: Who was your visitor? 

Just his controlling big sister.

 Or was she just being helpful?

Who was he? -this man, laying on the bed, telling her he was perfectly capable of making his own life choices and willing to accept the consequences of those actions.

She laughed at herself. Of course he was right.

But did he have any idea how the consequences of his actions would snowball, affecting people he loved and even some he had never met?

 

 

 

Better Than Seven Sons

 In today's world having SEVEN sons might not seem like a blessing, but in Naomi's world having sons was every woman's dream.

This time of year, my mind often wanders to the book of Ruth. Maybe it is because the grass is often tall and reminds me of the barley fields where Ruth gleaned. But this year it's not young, brave, kind Ruth I'm thinking of, but Naomi.

I know why. 

It's because I started a new chapter of my life this year. I'm a grandma. 

As I held this precious little boy, I suddenly felt empathy for dear Naomi. I wondered what it meant that Naomi became Obed's nurse. 🤔 Maybe Ruth was busy running the household and Naomi had more time to sit and hold the baby and take him for walks and stop and look at interesting rocks and plants. 

Her friends and neighbors were so happy to see dear Naomi carrying a precious little one around town again.

You see... a couple decades before this, a much younger Naomi was often seen chasing around not one, but two happy little boys, in this same small town. It seems everyone knew her. Naomi: the pleasant one.

I picture her as friendly and optimistic. - a smile on her face as she chatted with the other women in the marketplace and at the well.

When the drought came the love of her life, Elimelech, decided to move her and the boys to Moab. I wonder if she was excited to go, or sad to leave her friends. Maybe she tried to make it a fun adventure for her boys.

 I know she kept their culture's traditions alive in her home, because her daughter-in-law, Ruth knew the God of Naomi.

I know she was kind and loving because Orpah and Ruth WANTED to go with her. I presume she was like a mother to them. They preferred to live in widowhood with her than to go home. Orpah was finally convinced to return home, to her parents, but Ruth refused.

You know how in some cultures people change their names throughout their lives? I can see why. The name, Naomi, just didn't fit her anymore. Naomi means "pleasant" or "delight". Her life was far from either!

Naomi's life started out good, it seems. She married and had two sons. Life was pleasant.

Then the famine hit.

But that was okay. They could move to a better area.

Her husband died. It broke her heart, but at least her sons were grown so she had someone to care for her.

Her sons married Moabite girls. They were so sweet. It was fun to teach them the ways of her people. 

Her sons died. Both of them! Without having any children.

Suddenly Naomi fell into a deep depression. This was more than she could bear.  Some people sleep when they are depressed and some start walking. 

walking and walking... somewhere... anywhere but here where all the pain is, the bad memories...

Naomi had heard that the drought was over back home. She would go home. -go home and die. Alone and empty. The drought was over at home, but it was at its worse for Naomi! The emptiness inside her was worse than cracked ground thirsty for rain. She began to pack her bags.

The girls packed too. Of course they were going. They lived with Naomi. They had lost their husbands too. All they had was each other.

Naomi looked at those two sweet girls. She remembered when she was young, before Elimelech died. How naive she had been as she packed the bags to come to Moab. She couldn't let them make the same mistakes she had.

"Stay here." she said sadly. "Go home to your families. May God bless you with new husbands who are kind to you as you have been kind to my sons and me."

"Noooo!" BOTH girls cried. "We want to go with you to YOUR people!"

I wonder if Naomi thought about her people: the Jews. People chosen by God. Yet, people who had suffered so much, even in those early days.

 No, those sweet girls should stay where they belong. She couldn't bear the thought of them suffering like she had.

You know the story. Orpah was convinced and, through tears, hugged Naomi and went home to her own family. 

But Ruth wouldn't let go. She wouldn't leave. 

Sometimes we know too much, those of us who count our age in decades. We have seen and experienced things that sober us. This path called life isn't a fun adventure. It might not be a pleasant thing that waits for us around the bend.

Let her learn her own way, Naomi. Let Ruth walk the path you did. Maybe it will be better for her. And, even if it isn't, maybe, as she has watched you handle life's trials, maybe she will be stronger. Don't tell her it won't be a good experience. Do you really think having her go home, to her family, will be any better? She needs you. In your brokenness, in your pain. Yes, even if you change your name to Mara. She needs you!

I always saw how much Naomi needed Ruth and how brave Ruth was, but suddenly I see a young bride turned widow, heartbroken, clinging to someone who has shown her a better way to do life.

How is this way better, Ruth? Can't you see the sorrow it brings?

No, Naomi. Ruth sees something more in you and she longs for the place YOU call HOME! She longs to join the people who know how to mourn, but also know how to rejoice! She is willing to give up all she has ever known to have HOPE!

What hope does Naomi have? Maybe she doesn't seem like she has hope, as she walks down that long, dusty road. As she arrives at her town and bitterly tells her friends she isn't the "Naomi" who left here a decade ago. She isn't pleasant and cheerful. She doesn't want to chat about all the silly little things she used to talk about. 

What is wrong with being quiet sometimes, Naomi? What is wrong with going home empty? 

Her friends came around her. Dear relatives took her and Ruth in. Gently. Allowing her to provide for her own needs as much as she could, but quietly leaving bundles of grain in Ruth's path. 

As Naomi ate the bread, made from the barley grown in her hometown, maybe she realized that she did have something to offer Ruth. 

What Ruth had seen a glimpse of in Naomi, back in the country of Moab, was a way of life here in Bethlehem, Judea. 

As Naomi watched Ruth thriving, she softened. -not like she had been as a girl, but like a sweet grandma whose smile draws small children to her lap. It wasn't long before her lap was full. -a dear little boy, named Obed. 

Her friends were so happy. Their Naomi was back! Laughing and talking, a baby in her arms. This is our Naomi! This is our friend! 

Somehow, I don't think Naomi was watching the reactions of her friends though. I kinda think she was watching Ruth. The joy she had as she embraced Naomi's culture and religion witnessed to Naomi as well. It healed her. 

"She is better to you than seven sons!" her friends declared.

Yes. She was.

I imagine Ruth looking at Naomi and thinking the same thing. Where would she be if it wasn't for Naomi? 

Joseph: Our Brother

 

(Genesis 45)

We never guessed that he might be our brother!

He had the appearance of an Egyptian. The authority of a KING! We bowed before him. (Only Pharoah was greater.)

We were aliens from a foreign land, here in this land of plenty. So far away from home. He tested us until he was satisfied. He was a powerful man, not at all like our annoying little brother.

Yet here he was speaking OUR language. Telling us that ALL of this had been part of God's plan. Yes, we had been angry at him. We wanted him gone. -out of the picture...so very long ago. No, it wasn't really us sending him away. God sent him away so he could save us. And not just us. People from all over the known world. Hungry people in need of saving. Our little brother, our savior? Who would have thought...?

"Come!" he invited. "To the place prepared for you."

He hugged us and cried... we all cried.

It was really HIM!

Why had it taken us so long to see?

The Egyptians thought they knew who he was. But they were wrong.

To be fair, we thought we knew who he was, and we were wrong too!

We were wrong when we thought he was an arrogant little kid. 

We were also wrong when we thought he was an Egyptian.

The day we realized who he was... the day he spoke to us in our mother tongue and asked us how our father was... THAT DAY was the day everyone else also learned his true identity.

"Joseph's family has come!" they whispered. 

News traveled quickly until everyone knew.

And they were glad, so very glad, for OUR LITTLE BROTHER

- and FINALLY... so were we. 

Blessed is HE who comes in the name of the LORD!

Covered With Glory

 

May 10th, 2024 at 11:00 PM I opened my front door and peeked at the sky expecting to be disappointed, again. How many times had I dragged my family outside in the cold darkness to see something spectacular only to be disappointed? 

(earlier that evening)

 Luke humored me and we sat outside for about an hour, our lawn chairs facing the northern horizon, not sure what we were even looking for. Grandpa kept turning the porch light on for us so we could "see better". Maybe we saw a faint purple, or green between the trees, but probably it was just our imagination. No use calling anyone else to join us. It was just like the other times, only this time it wasn't as cold. And somehow it didn't seem quite so dark, even though the moon was New. 

We went inside and Luke went to bed, exhausted from a long week of work. I smiled, happy to have spent some quiet moments outside with my soulmate, thankful for the slower pace of Sabbath. It had been an unseasonably warm day. I couldn't decide whether to open the door and let in the cooler night air, or shut the door and keep the dark, and what roams in the dark out! 

Finally, the busyness of the day caught up with me and I decided to go to bed. "We don't get northern lights here." I thought, "and if, by some odd chance they might be seen at this latitude, we wouldn't be able to see them from our woods. -not where we live."

I decided to open our front door one more time. 

The door that faces south.

What I saw was nothing like the pictures. In fact, if I hadn't heard there was a possibility of seeing them, I wouldn't have given, what I was seeing, a second thought. I looked UP! Not just out into the night, but up into the patch of sky above my porch. Beams, pillars of light spread out across the sky! 

"It's here!" I shouted "Luke! Are you still awake? If you aren't, wake up!" he came out and we stared at the sky. 

It was so bright outside, yet I couldn't locate the source of the light. Faint wisps that looked very much like light pollution, or thin clouds, appeared in the sky.

I got comfortable and stared into the darkness. The more I looked, the more I saw!

 My first thought was how easy this would be to miss- to not see. I wondered how many times these lights had been dancing above my head and I didn't even realize they were there! Faint whispers. A breeze. A gentle glow. Sights very easy to brush off as something ORDINARY and INSIGNIFICANT! 

My second thought was: If THIS is how amazing the glory of the sun is... that created fireball in the sky... how awesome the Glory of God must be!

Then, my daughter came out with her phone. We had heard there was more to see than what our eyes could capture. What our eyes saw as a faint whisper of pink above the trees was a fuchsia blanket that covered the whole sky! What we saw as a thin, wispy cloud was a vibrant-colored angel defending our earth from solar wind particles.

Now that I knew what I was seeing, my eyes could see it a bit too. Look! Those "clouds" were moving and dancing. The color WAS all over the sky! I could see it now. Faintly, but the more I sat still and watched the more I saw.

I am not good at handling unusual situations. 

I didn't think this was important enough to wake up more people. :(

I still thought this was more common than I realized, or that tomorrow's show would be better, or that others wouldn't be impressed.

So, I sat still and watched.

 Half imagining, half seeing... the train of His robe filling the temple as the cloudy curtain grew to cover a huge portion of the sky. ...a round ball of light with another circle inside of it...

The Glory of God COVERING the whole earth! As the camera screen lit up with colors more vibrant than exist in nature.

WHAT IS REAL?

Could it be that my fleshly eyes cannot see what is really there, right in front of me? I can catch glimpses and hints, but not really SEE!

"Glory, glory. The whole earth is filled with His Glory." I whispered, because it seemed wrong to shout. I wanted to sing, but that didn't seem quite right either, for it seemed that this music was enjoyed with the eyes instead the ears.

I didn't know what to do with this experience. Part of me wanted to say it was imagined and I was overreacting. But the pictures the next morning proved that the opposite was true. 

I had no idea how awesome, or rare, what I was viewing was. 

I left before it was over, thinking I could watch it again tomorrow, or the next day. Not knowing this may have been my only chance to experience this.

Of course there is a spiritual lesson in this. Many lessons. New and peculiar lessons! Lessons that I am sure you became aware of too, if you happened to be up in the middle of the night and lived in an area where you could see the show.

The spiritual realm is a great mystery. 

Unseen angels are protecting us from invisible dangers.

 It sounds made up. It's just cotton candy clouds, or my eyes imagining a hint of color. There is no such thing as Aurora. But it is more real that the things we can see in the bright light of the day.

Why did the night seem so bright when the moon had already set, and the colors of Aurora Borealis were so faint to the naked eye? Is that a taste of the brightness of God's Glory? The glory that will light that Holy City! The Glory that is covering the earth, that will cover the whole earth.

That Sabbath I read Revelation 4 and Ezekiel 1, wondering if what Ezekiel and John saw was similar to the pictures shown on my daughter's phone. 

But the picture that impressed me most was the picture on my little android phone taken at the same time and place as the picture above:

I admit it. I don't know how to take pictures. :D

I WAS using the "night" setting! 

But somehow, instead of enhancing the beauty, my camera showed even LESS of what my eyes could see!

Why do I still have this black picture on my camera? Why didn't I delete it immediately? I wasn't sure until I read this verse: Job 3:20 "Wherefore is light given to him that is in misery, and life to the bitter in soul?"  Maybe I should name my camera "Job"! lol  

At this horrific time of tragedy in Job's life, he WANTED it to be DARK! He didn't want LIFE. He didn't want SUNSHINE. He wanted to sit in his misery, bitterness and pain. But near the end of the Book of Job he is enlightened. God shows him His Power and a taste of His Glory! So, in the last chapter Job admits: "I have heard of thee by the hearing of the ear: but now my EYE seeth!" He had an iphone now! HAHA! He could see the glory surrounding him and defending him from things he didn't even know existed! Things too wonderful for his human brain to comprehend!

Suddenly it was okay that he didn't understand. 

And I like to think the light didn't hurt his eyes as much.

Seeing the natural laws working as they were created to, helped me trust that God is working in the spiritual realm as well. 

Maybe our circumstances in life affect how we see the world around us. Maybe it is hard to see the glory that shines so brightly in other people's worldview. Maybe we shut our eyes to the beauty, explain it away, or ignore it. Or, maybe, the lens that we are looking through is not capturing anything at all. All we see is the darkness. Something to shut out and run from.

Next time your world view looks like my second picture, stop for a minute. Find a comfy spot on the grass and look UP! 

You just might notice that the night is a lot brighter than it seems. And that there is beauty even on the darkest night of the month!

And back in the physical realm, if we get another chance to see the Aurora Borealis in our area, I'm not going to be embarrassed to swing my door open and wake up the whole family. Now that I think of it, I would rather them be disappointed that nothing happened, than to be disappointed that they missed it! 

Come to think of it, maybe THAT paragraph isn't only talking about the physical realm either! ;) 

Bezaleel's Calling

 

The books of Moses contain some of the most exciting stories in the Bible, but they also contain some of the dullest chapters. 

I believe every word in the Bible is there for a reason and is holy. But some chapters are a bit tedious to read through. Exodus 21-31 are like that for me. -laws and building instructions for the tabernacle

This time as I read the instructions, I tried to picture what it might have been like. As you know, I enjoy foraging for wild edibles. I like to imagine that I could survive in the wilderness, but I highly doubt my survival skills would sustain me for long. I doubt I could keep myself alive for forty years, let alone a million people! And build a beautiful tabernacle as well?! I could maybe make a shelter of some kind, but nothing as elaborate as the tabernacle!

God gave Moses detailed instructions on how to build the tabernacle. As I read through the instructions for the umpteenth time in my life I still didn't understand. I could read those instructions a million times and still have no clue how to even begin this building project. But there was a man who received the instructions and nodded his head and then went to work and actually BUILT IT! 

He was in the middle of the wilderness! All he had was scraps of fabric and jewelry donations. Bezaleel and his friend, Aholiab, were brilliant! God told Moses they were filled with the Spirit! 

When I started reading Exodus chapter 31 this time, I had forgotten who this guy was. I had been reading about God talking with Moses. Chapter after chapter of these lists of things. As you know, I like stories, so when I read God told Moses that there is a man named, Bezaleel who is filled with the Spirit of God, that caught my attention. I was reading slowly that night and picturing this amazing person who God chose to help Moses. Verse 3 said this man had wisdom, understanding and knowledge as well as being filled with the spirit of God! My mind wandered to the many people mentioned in Genesis and Exodus who could also be described this way. Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Joseph, Moses... I wondered what great leadership role this Bezaleel would fulfill and why his name wasn't as familiar to me. Then I read verses 4 and 5. He was brilliant! This man could do it all! -stonework -woodcarving -metal work -building furniture -making dishes...

Somehow when I first saw he was filled with the spirit of God I presumed there would be a sermon from him, or something, but I don't really see him saying anything! I don't even know if he could read and write, but he could build! He could take those mysterious instructions that God had given Moses on the mountain, look at the supplies they had on hand and actually BUILD IT! I don't know if he said a single word the whole time! 

I stopped for a minute and imagined Bezaleel, Aholiab and the others referenced in verse 6 and I was super impressed. Then, of course, I had an epiphany. (Probably the same one everyone who has ever read these few verses has realized, but still...) 

Evidently God can use all kinds of people, not just the ones who are good at public speaking! 

He needs people who are good at building, who aren't afraid to get their hands dirty, or don't mind hours of quiet solitude. He intentionally created people with a variety of personalities, gifts and talents in each generation! 

My mind went to the writings of Paul in the New Testament. Remember when he listed a few different gifts followers of Jesus might have? And remember that other list with those other things too?  -those lists that I just read over quickly because it wasn't an interesting story. Well, you and I were in one of those lists! Maybe we aren't a pastor, or missionary. Maybe it seems like we aren't doing much to build the kingdom of God. But if you and I can say, "Yes!" to the job God has given us to do, He can use us to do amazing things too! Things that others might look at and not even know where to start! (like my messy kitchen)

Maybe your job seems menial to you, but without you doing what you do best, the body of Christ would not function right. So, take on the task God has given you today! We need you! He needs you!

May God fill us with His Holy Spirit, wisdom, understanding and knowledge to do what He has given us to do today. May we take on these tasks with confidence knowing that we were born at this time, for this purpose! 

The Preacher

 

The Preacher Lives Life to the Fullest

“Why are we here?” the young man wondered.

“What is the point of all of this?” And by “this” he meant life.

He was blessed that he could observe, experiment and explore to his heart’s content. Unrestrained by time or resources.

If all of life is a cycle: the water, weather, generations, then what is the meaning of his one insignificant life? It is doubtful that future generations will even know he existed. (Ecclesiastes 1:1-12)

He decided to study and learn everything he could about everything! He read ALL the books and listened to wise people’s theories. But the more he learned the heavier his burden became. The thoughts in his mind made him feel like he was losing it and he kind of wished he had never started this journey. (Ecclesiastes 1:13- 18)

Maybe he was trying too hard! He put away his books and decided to LIVE LIFE! And live he did! He built beautiful houses and gardens. He threw lavish parties. He consumed good food and drink. He hired musicians and servants. He accumulated more gold and silver than anyone before him. He bought many kinds of animals. He said yes to everything that suggested happiness! He was surrounded with beauty and joy! It was fun to build all of this.

But, one day he looked over everything. It seemed like the more work he did, the more he acquired, the more work there was to do. 

Again, what was the point?

 WHY was he doing all this? Was it to be happy? -to please himself? That’s a foolish reason. What was he anyway? -just one human being. What if he accumulated all of this and the people after him destroyed it? All his getting was no better than a greedy, hoarder who only thinks of himself. It didn’t matter if he was rich or poor, life was pointless- or was it? 

Maybe the music and beauty of life IS the point. Maybe it is enjoying the little things. Appreciating the world around us. Thanking God for all His many blessings. Maybe it’s okay to enjoy all of this! In fact, maybe that is the answer, or at least part of it: Enjoy the blessings of today.

Some people are never happy, whether they have little or much. Joy comes in acknowledging that all good things come from God. (Ecclesiastes 2:24-26)

The Preacher Realizes the Emptiness of his Life

One would presume that being a good person would naturally cause one’s life to be happy and satisfying. However, as the now middle-aged man began observing and learning about the lives of other people his observations confused him. It seems that “time and chance” happened to everyone, regardless of whether they made good life choices, or not. He also noticed that corruption was literally everywhere! No matter how prestigious the establishment, upon closer inspection, it was evident that it was run by fallible humans. What a let-down! Who could he trust? Of course, God is the One who could be trusted! How reassuring that the all-wise judge will sort everything out. 

I imagine Solomon watching his animals, at the end of chapter 3, noticing how similar they were to humans. But in one way, the animals were different. They never seemed to question their short existence. There was wisdom to be found here. 

As the man matured, he learned the lesson of humility. He had spent many years searching for the meaning of his life, only now to realize life was meant to be shared. The hard times are easier to bear with someone else. The good times are meant to be enjoyed with others. “Better is a poor, wise child, than an old, foolish king…” (Ecclesiastes 4:13) he said, and I smile as I picture an old king on a beautiful throne realizing he wasn’t getting wiser with age, only more aware of how human he was. The more he looked around, the more he noticed the hard lives of so many. Was he guilty of causing the oppression he referred to?

Another place he learned humility was in the sanctuary. How many times had he been quick to speak and slow to listen? Wisdom is acquired and exhibited in listening, not speaking.

Here he was with great riches and all the comforts of life, but he couldn’t sleep. One day of honest, hard work and he slept like he was a boy again. Perhaps, joy isn’t in attaining the treasure, but in working towards a goal. The cycles of life he found so meaningless as a boy gave him something to wake up for. It wasn’t bondage- this constant toil. It was a gift from God, to be enjoyed (Ecclesiastes 5:18- 20).

The older he got, the more he learned about life, love, himself, other humans and especially, God. And then, suddenly, he was old and wise. Was it too late to live life the way he should have all along? If it was, maybe that is why he wrote it all out for us in the book we now call Ecclesiastes.

A book, no doubt read by a future son of David: Jesus. He summed it all up in one verse. “Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness: and all these things shall be added unto you. (Matthew 6:33)”

The Night Everything Went Wrong

I have nights like that too Peter. 

-nights when everything I say seems to be wrong and everything I do is either too much, or not enough.

That Footwashing Episode 💦

Sometimes I feel unworthy.

"Don't wash MY feet!"

...and then, I go to the other extreme...

"Wash my head too!"

If I had been paying attention, maybe I would have understood. 

Why not just let Jesus wash my feet? Why did I have to open my mouth?! Why am I like that sometimes?

Awake When I Should Sleep, Asleep When I Should... Pray 🙏

Sometimes I don't realize the seriousness of the situation. 

I'm trusting and letting go and resting. Isn't that the right thing to do?

I see now that it was time to be WATCH and PRAY!

It was going to be a long night. 

He Said Something About a Sword 🗡

Sometimes I think I am listening and obeying.

...defending my master by, cutting off someone's ear...

"Those who live by the sword, die by the sword."

Why did I think He needed me to defend him? How could I have gotten this so wrong?

The last words Jesus spoke to him before he was crucified- a reprimand. 😢

Failing the Test I was Clearly Warned About 🐓

Peter was warned EXACTLY what was going to happen. 

I too get myself into situations, knowing full well what the outcome of my actions will be. 

What was I thinking? 

Did I think it wouldn't matter? -that I wouldn't feel like a failure afterwards?

Denying my Lord, my best friend... Why? -when I was so brave an hour ago! 

Suddenly, too afraid to acknowledge that I am with HIM!

"...when the cock crew he went out and cried bitterly..."

What a horrible, terrible night when everything went so wrong!

Oh, to wake up from such a night and realize it was just a dream.

Then He Died

No, not Peter. 

Judas Iscariot died.

Jesus died.

But Peter was very much alive.

I would be replaying that night in my head.

Why did I say that?

Why did I do that?

But it was too late now. It was over.

Three days and three nights of ...wishing a redo was possible.

Jesus said, "Go tell Peter..."

...and I heard it through two thousand years of time as if it was my name- and I cried!

You died for me while I was a sinner!

On the very night I forgot who I was and who you were and ARE!

You did it all for me!

You knew I couldn't do it for myself. 

Jesus knows all of my inadequacies and failures and yet turns to me and asks me to feed his sheep! 

Doesn't He know who I am?

Yes. Yes, He does.

He knows exactly who I am.

The question is: Do I know who He is?